Months ago, I read a Visual AIDS blog post titled “It feels like love but it’s the drugs”, and it talked about the writer trying MDMA with another guy when he said that. The thing is that I never felt identified with it even though I’ve always wanted to, but last Saturday was the day I’d say in my head: it feels like love but it’s the drugs.
Until then I had only tried alcohol, tobacco and weed, but now that I’ve met more people willing and braver than the ones I knew before, a whole new world is opening up to me. I tried MDMA last Saturday with a guy I knew from instagram but we never talked in person despite seeing each other in the bus every day. He is used to using drugs while partying and offered me a quarter of pill, to which I obviously said yes. I promised myself that if an opportunity like such ever came to me, I wouldn’t say no. I had to wait approximately 30 minutes for the effects to start but it was so worth it.
If someone told me I would end up making out with this guy as my blood is filled with amphetamines I wouldn’t have believed them, but life is very bitchy. Actually I was seriously expecting to make out again with a friend’s half-boyfriend half-situationship, he was flirting with me but I wasn’t gonna do anything with my friend there. Party came to my door and I had to let her in, leaving my bored friends for the Trainspotting dream I’ve always imagined.
In the moment we were making out, I told him “I don’t want anything serious” for what he answered “Do you think I do?” Everything trivial, just party stuff, the thrill of the disco and going home with the sunrise up there. But now I really wonder, was it really just the drugs? I’m sure he has to be at least a little in love with me, the sexual tension was brewing all night, he shotgunned the cigarette smoke into my mouth and told me “I hope it wasn’t uncomfortable for you, I just wanted to make out”. I know he enjoyed it, and I did too, but now I get nervous when he’s getting into the bus and I think about everything we did. He posted indirects for me (or at least I’m pretty sure he did, I might be imagining things), like posting a selfie with a song from the OST of The Crow (which I told him it was one of my favorite movies), or posting the classic “me and who” with a Slipknot album, knowing we both like it.
Fast forward one week, Saturday again. We got drunk and drugged again, we made out passionately again. It was strange because while under the remaining influence that lasted at 7 am I didn’t feel anything, I was numb when it comes to feelings. But sober, I can’t stop thinking about him, I don’t know anymore. I’m glad that neither of us really want to go through an actual relationship again, but I still like the possessiveness of it all. Tell me I’m yours, and I’ll tell you that you are mine. Mark me for everyone to see.
Fast forward another week, we don’t talk as much. Why? I don’t know. We used to even sext a bit, the one time we did it was very hot, I must admit. It was the first time I’ve ever smoked at home, at the window with my t-shirt off. But now, we don’t talk. While I’m in class he tells me that the last time he went out another girl bit him hard and drew blood out of the inside of his lip.
We see each other in the bus. He shows me his neck, full of hickeys. I try to act nonchalant about it because hey, we’re not really anything, right? Why are you so mad? But my friend saw my face when I received the message, she knew I was very sad, I was promised exclusiveness while high and this is what I end up with. I was never yours, and you were never mine.
Fast forward a couple weeks, he gets a new girlfriend. My friend sends his instagram story to me, but I have already seen it, I couldn’t believe my eyes. A heart? A story highlight with her? The guy who told me he wanted some time after his previous relationship now has a girlfriend. I was devastated, why her and not me? Another friend told me “He wasn’t ready for a relationship… with you. Not applicable to others.” I don’t understand what changed in those weeks, suddenly you’re completely over your ex and have a new girl? When I saw him again everything was fine between us, we’re friends after all, but he told me he would buy some expensive shoes he has as a gift to the girlfriend. I was dumbstruck, he promised so many things to me but never really acted on them, and now he’s doing everything I imagined with another person.
It doesn’t really matter that much now because I have been building a complicated situationship with one of his friends I met partying with him and I’ve developed quite an attachment to him, but… It’s still hard to think about, I don’t know. I feel like I’ve been replaced so easily and I wonder what does she have that made him fall in love and I don’t? Maybe the mistake was mine since the beginning for telling him that I didn’t want anything serious. Maybe if we didn’t speak on it as if it was just a party thing it could have developed in something else, but we will never know. I just hope I can get high again with him just like the first time…